Mechanic's Dictionary

[oldtimer5520]

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to
locate expensive parts not far from the object we
are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your
front door; works particularly well on boxes
containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning
steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old
age, but it also works great for drilling mounting
holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes
to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
the Ouija board principle. It transforms human
energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand and
may be used as a make-shift hammer.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
lighting various flammable objects in your garage on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a
brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease
out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older
British cars and motorcycles, they are now used
mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket
you've been searching for, for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your
hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings
your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then
throws them somewhere under the workbench with the
speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it
takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle
to the ground after you have installed your new
front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a
motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he
has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a
sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps
off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any
known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for
illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for
testing the tensile strength of ground straps and
brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor
mount prying tool that inexplicably has an
accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for
transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
inside of your tool box after determining that your
battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.


METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source
of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not
otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health
benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids
of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil
on your shirt; can also be used, as the name
implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can
double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing
through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced
in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and
transforms it into compressed air that travels by
hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone
in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding
that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order
to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too
short.

[way2old]

EGGZATACLY :shock: :lol: